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” to the driver in the next lane even though we both know that all that’s up is we’re both driving cars.

No matter how old I am when I walk back into the DMV, at least I’ll know I’m not the oldest person to retake the test -- that honor belongs to Edythe Kirchmaier, who renewed at the record-setting age of 105.

Why are you asking, you know this is gonna suck.” So in other words, making my transportation game whole again is going to be a huge pain.

Still, it’ll be worth it, just to feel torque pushing through my back again, or to pull up to a light and nod “what’s up?

But not having a car and not having a license are very different things.

It’s not like I moved here and thought, “Oh, I can just let this expire, because New York City!

Which is better than them knowing the truth -- that by the laws of every state in the union, their uncle is only statutorily empowered to play with their Tonka trucks.

I asked them about the arduous, 6-week process of retaking their driver’s test.

I could spend an entire afternoon cruising around blaring the Pitbull Channel on Sirius. How can there possibly be so many songs that are performed by Pitbull, produced by Pitbull, or recorded in the style of Pitbull?!

Of course I’ve driven a few times since that inexcusably ignored expiration date.

My last trip to Dallas I drove my cousin’s car and felt like I was 15 sneaking out the family ride, “does he know? ” clanging in my brain every time I passed a police car.

I don’t want to overstate the stress this caused me, but I will say that my subconscious has added “Driving Without A License” to my standard panic-dream roster of “Go To Grade School In Your Underwear” and “Oh By The Way, You Didn’t Actually Graduate College.” One mitigating factor in this otherwise wretched situation is that, apparently, other people are just as dumb as I am.

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